On Criing.

So my parents spent another $100 getting me diagnosed with dry eyes at the vet. Had they asked I would have told them that of course it's physically impossible for me to cry. I've never been hurt my entire life, so it's hard to test the theory, but trust me, I don't cry. Do you know who the only person who has cried less than me is? Chuck Norris. It's actually a tie because neither of us have ever cried, but I might have thought about crying once, when Obama was elected President, but I kept my stuff together, which isn't to say that Chuck wasn't distraught by the event too, but believe me, he wasn't thinking about crying, I'm sure he was thinking about drop-kicking Obama and his little monkey Biden all the way to the Sun (that thought actually kept me from crying in that most trying time). Anyway, now my parents keep putting eye-drops in my eye which gives the illusion of crying, but please, everyone, know that I am NOT crying.

- TKO

On Sometimes Your Right

I need to catch up on a little news.

Just to be clear and before I'm misunderstood I want to say that I don't think Obama picks great nominees for his cabinet, however sometimes his selections are very telling. For instance he originally chose Tom Daschle for head of Health and Human Services and White House Office of Health Reform. This was a bad pick to begin with mind you, but when Mr. Daschle withdrew his nomination Obama went looking for a replacement and all he could find was women. And guess what? He realized there was no way one woman could ever do the job of one man (even a liberal hippie man) and so he chose two women to take on the job that Daschle was going to do alone. So now we have Nancy-Ann Min DeParle (stupid name) and Kathleen Sebelius as partners (I don't know why they insist on all the lesbian innuendos: "partner this and partner that", but you know it's just like the gays to flaunt it in your face). Point being, even though Obama is a terrorists it's good to see he's still able to recognize the proper value of men and women.

On Tyme Off

Guys, seriously, sorry. I can only imagine how hard your lives have been not having me around (especially in such dire times with our insane/communist president practically turning America into the U.S.S.R). But I needed some time to lick my wounds--it's what us dogs do--before I could come back here. You're probably wondering what I did while I was away. No worries, I've made a list.

1. Chased tail (no better way to get back into a grove, I recommend it to anyone).
2. Started a garden (well actually I've just eaten some of the strawberries out of someone elses garden but it was hard work and it was nice to get back in touch with the land).
3. Destroyed my sister (ok so it was a dream, but man was it a good dream)
4. Slept (a lot)
5. Used a substantial amount of my parent's money on unnecessary trips to the vet. (They say I'm the perfect weight, btw, so no more fat jokes guys)
6. Was abducted by some liberal hippies in the east bay. I'm not sure what happened there but it wasn't actually too bad, there were these little kids that would play nonstop and they had the greatest tasting snot on their faces and the guy who appeared to run the place was great to chill on the couch with. Plus my sister wasn't there. It was shocking at first and at times it was hard to hear the liberal nonsense they talked about but I could lose myself enough in the snot and naps on the couch that it almost made it worth while, plus it's not like I get a break from the liberal nonsense at home anyway).
7. Caught up on reading. Only American stuff of course. I've made it through my dad's Hemingway collection, now I'm moving on to Updike.

On Inagurations

Ugh. Really. Ugh.

Guys,

Really? We needed change? After eight glorious years of pure Bush heaven you want a change? I don't get people sometimes. Anyway, I realized today the only reason why Obama won was because of gimmicky advertising.

It's cool though, in four years expect me to take control back:

On Chrismas Spirit

I'm not the best with words (big words and long sentence turn you liberal) so I get a little confused when my parents call my personal hero Dick Cheney evil. Now surely this word most have some positive meaning to it, as most words that describe Mr. Vice President do: lovable, cuddly, handsome, brave, dangerous, bad (meaning good). So anyway I figure who better to celebrate (other than Jesus, my good friend also) than Dick Cheney at this special time of year? So I rearranged some of our decorations in honor of my main man.

On Gladd It's Over

Seriously, can we stop hearing about Barack HUSSEIN Obama? This election wore me out.

Dad let me borrow his new iphone and I got this sweet picture:

On Prety

The Left-loving-media is giving the future Vice President (which I will just shorten to The Vice President here on out) and Senator McCain a hard time about the way they're spending some of their campaign money. But really it's not a big deal that the most beautiful woman in the world is spending more on style than on a Foreign Policy Adviser, and I'll tell you why. When you're the most experienced person in the world in regard to foreign policy why would you need an adviser? I'm pretty sure this "adviser" probably just brings Senator McCain and Vice President Palin their coffee (grown in Brazil no doubt) and stuff, why would you want to pay someone a lot of money for that?

Also I've been thinking a lot about the first thing I'm going to do when I finally meet the Vice President, and I've decided that the Secret Service (and Todd) be damned, I'm going to hump her leg. If you come over to my house I might have to practice on you, I want it to be just right when I finally meet her.

On Socialisation

Everyone is going on and on about how the Republicans have given up on the free markets and how we should be embracing socialized medicine soon too. The left is throwing around silly accusations about how hypocritical the right is. So it's up to me, of course, to straighten this mess out.

To see why this isn't socialism let me compare it to socialized medicine. For starters (and I can't believe I really have to point this out, but the left has never show itself to be super smart) look at the words. Socialized Medicine vs AIG Bail-Out. There it is, all spelled out, one has socialism in the name, the other is just a bail-out, not socialization. Point number two: look at where the money is going. In socialism money goes to individuals (lazy, greedy, entitlement loving people) but in a bail-out the money goes to a corporation (filled with rich and thus honest, hard working, productive people).

Everyone can relax now, Bush and company have this under control, and they're certainly not fixing it with socialism!

- TKO

On Lawgic

My new girlfriend is getting some flack from the left (which is really just a compliment) for some of her State Official appointments. The one most talked about is the top of the State Division of Agriculture. It's been cited that the official's qualifications for the job was her life long love of cows.

Let's assume for a moment that this was the only reason she got the job (which is probably a bad assumption, she was also a highly skilled real estate agent, which means she knows stuff about land, and guess what farms are built on... Land. Also if you're Sarah's friend I think it implies a whole lot of good qualities about you as a person and your abilities to run just about any organization). Even if this were the only reason I don't think it's that bad of a reason, here are some examples of other successful similar logical appointments/selections (some are hypothetical).

President Bush - His life long love of the Rangers (the baseball team) turned out to be a perfect prerequisite for being the Commander of the Rangers (the Texas law enforcement agency) and later the US Military's Commander and Chief.

Michael D. Brown - He loved horses and so made a perfect fit as the head of FEMA

Tatanka Kessler - Always loved destroying things so would make a very, very good Secretary of Defense (I hope someone is reading this).

Don't worry Sarah, I think you appointed the right person for the job and will no doubt continue to do so in the future (please see my list above for suggested future appointments).

-TKO

PS. Don't be surprised if you see similar material on Stephen Colbert's show later this week. BTW, he hasn't contacted me yet.

On Colbear

Hello Friends,

I need to talk about a very, very, very serious topic now: Stephen Colbert.

First off, let's be kind and forgive him the French name and continued French pronunciation. The man is a genius: clever, funny, conservative, a fan of O'Reilly (God Bless You Bill-O), he's not afraid to call a liberal a dirty liberal, so forth and so on. I'm sure anyone who has seen the show and read my blog have probably seen a great deal in overlap on how our minds work: fast, keen, sharp, wittily, always right, trend setting, etc. Surprisingly I've noticed that a lot of times I'll say something on my blog and a few days later Stephen will mention something very similar on his show. I'm not accusing him of anything, just pointing out facts.

What's my point you ask? Well let me tell you just what my point is. If I've learned one thing from Mr. Colbert it's that if you want something or someone's attention the best way to get it is by calling out their man-hood. So here it is. Mr. Colbert unless you let me be on your show I say you're chicken. You're afraid that I'll out showman you, out right-wing you, out good-looking you, out conservative you. Clearly your lack of having me on the show is a sure sign of fear. I ask YOU Mr. Colbert, when will Comedy Central end its embargo on balls? I at least have an excuse (I was neutered at a young age, and against my better judgment and will).

I can understand your fear, I've seen it in the eyes of many pit bulls and tree hugging hippies as I gnawed off their knee-caps. But you have to look at this the right way. Imagine me as your co-host, my superior sense of smell would be able to sniff out any liberal infiltrators in your audience or head off foul liberal ideas before they get anywhere near your hard earned suit, that thing is beautifully spotless. And let us not forget it will show undoubtedly, forever, how assured you are of our manhood, your testicles.

You sir, have been put on notice. I'm headed your direction.

On Plan of Atack

Gag!



This is how Mr. Obama responds in a fight? He comes out and talks a bunch of words? Writes a plan? Who needs a plan when you got a military veteran behind the wheel? We need a president, and vice president, who are tough, ready to fight, like pitbulls, or chugs (I mean if we're going to be serious about our analogies I think chug makes a lot more sense here).

Anyway, who has time to read a whole plan? What's happening to America? George W's gut has lead us so far and so well you'd think we'd be over all this plan stuff. Plans are for sissies.

This sort of reminds me of a story (true no doubt). One time my mom left a whole box of chocolates out on the floor, in a bag. And you see I have this awesome nose so I of course find those chocolates. And what do I do when I find those chocolates? I don't make any girly plans. I tear into those things like there's no tomorrow. Before you know it I've eaten five or six of them. Then I hear mom behind me. I've got no where to run or hide so I just swallow two more before she can get me. Boy did I get in trouble, but guess what, I also got seven or eight pieces of chocolate. She also made me drink hydrogen peroxide, which made me throw up, but who cares? The chocolate was so good. If I would have been Obama (or Morgan) I would have sat there making plans or thinking about ramifications; then mom would showed up and I wouldn't have gotten any chocolate. So yeah, if you don't like chocolate feel free to vote for this guy. But if you love chocolate, McCain is your man (and Palin is your woman, seriously though, she's so much more like a Chug than a pitbull, I mean pitbulls' eyes are too far apart like they're retarded or something).

On Loveing

I've always said women should be in politics, that they make great leaders, and that they are just as capable as men. And now, finally, someone has come along to prove my point. My new crush:


"Drill Baby Drill!"

I love you Sarah Palin.

On Honisty

Mom, I just wanted to let you know that I didn't eat your hat. Promise!

On Gunn Controll

There's some good news for real Americans. The Supreme Court has decided that a ban on handguns is illegal! And the court also struck down the silly requirement that firearms be equipped with trigger locks. This second one is especially important for me, not having opposable thumbs makes it pretty hard to use my guns when they've got those silly locks on them. Technically I'm not even allowed to own guns (because I'm a dog), but now that they're letting the gays get married I'm pretty sure they'll start letting dogs own guns too. You win some you lose some I suppose.

On Sellebrating

Today is the most important holiday of the year. Now I'll give you that the birth of Christ is pretty important, especially to this great Christian nation, but the actual birth of the greatest democracy to ever be seen on this planet (and I'm quite sure any other planet in the Universe too) is hugely important. In celebration I wanted to post some of my favorite patriotic songs, not songs like my dad posts, those things can down right bore you to sleep or make you want to eat your own tail--not that I'm against napping generally, and now that I think about it if I could I would eat my own tail, but it's always just out of reach, and it hurts just a little when I bite it, anyway. I'm talking about great classic American songs. Here's my top five list:

1. God Bless The USA (Fact: If you can't get behind this song, you're not American. Period. This cannot be debated.)


2. The Star Spangled Banner (Could there be a better National Anthem? You got to love this song, even if this guy doesn't (I think we know who not to vote for)).


3. Born in the USA (I wasn't even aware that other countries had hospitals, that's the problem with socialized medicine. The best part of being born in the USA is that you don't have to go through the hassle of immigrating here, which everyone wants to do, clearly.)


4. Courtesy of the Red, White, and Blue (Now you'll notice that I don't have a link to this song; it turns out my parents refuse to spend the money to download it. I'm still trying to get the $100 out of them that I made at Yahoo but they're holding out on me. Anyway, if we had to choose a different national anthem I'd go for this song. This thing makes me want to go out and salute a flag, or bite morgan.)


5. Have You Forgotten (Same problem as previous song. Sometimes my parents really bug me. Anyway, it's almost election time and I think it's as important as ever to remember why we went into Iraq and all the good it's done and how much safer we are now because of it. Please, people, don't forget.)

Vote Republican if you love America.

TKO

On Compitetion

Check out this loser, trying to be like me, but batting for the other (wrong) team:



Next thing you know he'll probably have a blog and claim he was the first ever political dog. We know better though. Plus look at his old dilapidated house. I think we all know why it's so ghetto (hint: liberals can't afford anything nice because they're all poor moochers).

- TKO

On Mememorial Day

I haven't lost too many friends. But this guy was something special. R.I.P.

On Moore Rumors

Rumor has it I'm not into politics anymore, that I've lost a step. Well don't worry. I figured while Hillary and Os(b)ama were tearing each other apart I could rest up like Old John McCain. Now that the generals are about to kick in I'm ready, I even got some new gear for the season.

On Crulty to Animals

My parents just got back from the Farm Sanctuary. Apparently there was some talk of vegan dog food. I don't think they quite understand the irony: they go to learn about how to prevent cruelty to animals and they come back with these crazy ideas on how to harm me and my wolf ancestors.

On Shoot Outs

I meant "shout outs." I was perusing my web logs today and noticed I've picked up some new readers in South Dakota. I can't say enough good things about South Dakota. When I think red blooded American, I think South Dakota. And when I think of South Dakota I think of the wild west, I think of killing Indians (you can't fight Manifest Destiny, they were foolish for trying), I think rugged leather faced Americans. I wouldn't mind moving to South Dakota, get away from all these liberal yahoos. I'll be dreaming of you tonight.

Did I mention I was going to be a cowboy for Halloween last year? That's how much I love South Dakota.